I must have left my sanity somewhere for the past few days because I don’t seem to be able to think properly lately. Blame it on the dark side of me trying to invade my peace and happiness, I find that I let my temper took over me. I find that my tolerance level has gone all time low and I always feel like I wanna throw a major bitch fit! Hence, I have decided to be left alone these few days to let myself cool down a little and gain back all my senses and sanity (*well, I am not saying I have gone insane, I just need some time alone to pull myself together*)

I saw this quote on a friend’s page today;

“Life is too short to stress yourself with people who don’t even deserve to be an issue in your life.”

And I find some truth in the quote. I have been stressing myself out with a bunch of moronic idiots who have nothing better to do but to upset me and messing up with my life. And I have been wasting my time thinking about how I could make them disappear from this planet earth so that I don’t have to see their stupid face ever again. And No matter how many times I told myself to just move on and not to look back, I would still look back eventually.

Have you come across this scenario where you and your bestie are having the best coffee of your life at the nearest Starbucks and suddenly your bestie said, “Ok, don’t look now but guess what, there’s a very handsome dude at my 11 o’clock”, and you would just turn your head immediately? Happened to me all the time We just cannot resist it. We would do what we are told not to do. Maybe it’s the rebel that lives in us.

And no matter how many times I told myself to look at my life through the windshield, I would still look at my life through the rear view mirror instead.

-End-

I have been battling the cough for more than two weeks now and I am getting seriously tired. I went for another medical check up yesterday with Evelyne at Sime Darby Specialist Center and this time I was asked to get my chest x-rayed. And right now I am on another round of antibiotics and medications. The expensive medicine proves to work because I managed to sleep more yesterday although I still did wake up a couple of times due to the chesty cough. I just hope I’d fully recover once I’ve finished the whole course of antibiotics.

Anyway, I went grocery shopping today. I find that dining out is no longer that appealing to me anymore. Or perhaps maybe I have tried most of the restaurants and I always find myself stuck in the dilemma of deciding where to eat although clearly there are too many choices lined up in front of me. I am turning into another fussy and picky eater although most of the time I wouldn’t have any problem with my food as long as the food looks yummy, smells yummy, feels yummy, sounds yummy and tastes yummy. Yeap, I use all my senses when it comes to eating. And talking about being a fussy and picky eater, I always remember a friend who would eat anything and when asked how’s the food, she would simply reply, “It’s ok, it tastes like food.” =__= And she would get really surprised when I always whine about my food, “Ohh, too much ginger” or “Gheez..if only they add a little bit of balsamic vinegar” or “It tastes like plastic!” (*although clearly I have never eaten plastic before*) and she would ask me, “Gosh, how did you manage to taste all that?” Perhaps I have ultra-sensitive taste buds =__=

I feel rather burned out today, and I turn into an emotionless woman the moment I got out of bed. I don’t talk much, I don’t smile much, I don’t laugh much. I just feel like I have lost all the energy in me, and I can feel that my old friend is coming to visit me; an old friend called Depression =(

Ta!

Lookie lookie what I found =)

=__=

The reason why I have been sick for more than two weeks (*no, not Andy:P*)

We played in the rain, that’s why!! (Julian: You hair is wet, why you put it out? Me: Well, I just want to look more human in this raincoat! )

Finally Teddy called today only to piss me off in the end. He said he dreamed about me and the dream goes like this.

“I saw you were old and weak and you looked miserable. And you were pregnant! And you were at UTM SPACE for your PhD and you failed your English Proficiency Test. “

English is like my first language now because 80% of the time I’d converse and write in English although frankly speaking I speak and write broken English most of the time and pay very little attention whether my sentences are grammatically correct or not. I believe confinement limits the flow of ideas hence I do not really care about my grammar but I do care about my spellings. SPELL-IT-RIGHT. I really cannot take it when people spell certain words wrongly and I just cannot help it but to correct them although I’d feel really hesitate to do so just in case I’d bruise their alter ego unintentionally =__=

And as for the preggie part, I just don’t get it. I seriously don’t get it. Perhaps he was just troubled or maybe he was trying to scare me hoping that I would practice celibacy? Why would he care anyway whether I am a celibate or not? Or maybe he seriously needs to get laid!

And to reply him, I told him that I didn’t have a dream about him, but I have dreams about him, the same dream for nights! I dreamed that he was so financially broke that he sold every single things he owned, including the things that he didn’t own aka my stuffs. And where did the money go? He spent all the mullah on his GF who eventually left him because he couldn’t financially support her anymore. Gheez…classic case and I bet he is very familiar with situation like this and perhaps I am just lucky that I don’t depend on men to financially support me and I never expect them to. And seriously, that was my dream and I had the same dream for three nights. And I am not lying! There you go!

Anyway, I believe he was just trying to ruin my day and guess what you have not successfully done so because here I am still alive and kicking and writing about you!

The end~

It has been two weeks since the first day I fell sick after coming back from Kuching for the RWMF and although fever is finally gone, I am still having cough and Momma is getting a little concerned. As for me, I am not that concerned but more annoyed because I have been losing a lot of sleep because of the coughing at night. Lime and honey doesn’t seem to work and finally I am going for another medical check up tomorrow and hopefully this time around the doctor would prescribe me with a good medicine that would actually help me to recover fully.

Anyway, today while I was driving back home, I realized one thing about myself. I would swear at every reckless and bad drivers. And just like a default sentence, I would say “F*ck your <<INSERT ANY MEMBER OF THE FAMILY HERE>> =__= I seriously need to check in to any rehab for swearing too much and frankly speaking I would only swear when I am on the road!

And Teddy has not called or text me for days now. I guess he got the point that I will no longer allow anyone to ruin my day and walk away just like that. I just don’t understand what is it so amusing about getting on my nerves and making me all angry and upset. And perhaps he decided to stay away after  told him that a female acquaintance has been telling me about him and his famous deeds. Frankly speaking I have no idea why people seems to be so eager to tell me stuffs about him. It’s either they are so free or they just plain hate him for one reason or another. But, seriously, I just couldn’t care less anymore because I seriously deserve better =)

And I have been wanting to watch Inception with Fahad but it’s either we couldn’t find the right time to go to the cinema or the tickets are sold out. Maybe we should try GSC Signature at The Gardens perhaps it would be easier to get a seat =) Anyway, I have watched Toy Story 3 few weeks ago and I just love Toy Story. I am glad Fahad is also a movie freak because finally I have a movie buddy! =)

It’s 3 am right now and I have just had buttermilk pancakes with lots of honey =) And Fahad had it with maple syrup instead. And I cooked lamb steak for dinner ^__^ I just love cooking.

I have nothing much to blog about, just feel like writing something before I hit the sack. Probably will write more tomorrow morning. So take care guys and good night.

Yeap, in 10 minutes it’s gonna be officially Monday and I don’t like Monday and I don’t hate Monday either. It is just another day for me. And everytime Monday comes, I feel older (*gahh…I am serious about Botox!*) And I hate my hair!

I got my hair done in May right before Evelyne’s wedding and it supposed be a beautiful curly dark blonde lock, but look at my hair right now! Nothing more than a severely damaged hair =__= I am so close to chopping it off and run free with a short hair instead like Rihanna, but I doubt I’d look good in it and 101% most likely I would end up killing myself out of regrets after realizing the fact that hair doesn’t grow overnight let alone a waist length hair like mine =__=. I think the only thing I can do right now is to do hair treatment diligently which means using a lot of hair mask and deep conditioner although frankly speaking none seems to work right now. (*Voice in my head says, “Just shave your head!”*)

I didn’t do much over the weekend other than trying to tend to my cough which doesn’t seem to go away. The funny thing is,the cough would get really bad at night just when I was about to sleep, and it would last the whole night, robbing me of yet another what supposed to be a good night sleep! Anyway, Momma has been bugging me to go for another medical checkup but heck it’s just a cough. I am not a fan of clinics and doctors, and given a choice to choose between home remedies and drugs, I would rather try natural medicines, like honey and lime for instance to soothe the cough. Well, I don’t know, I shall see how it goes tomorrow because I know Momma will never stop bugging me so might as well I just go and get another round of that cough syrup perhaps this time I can tell the doctor that the last one didn’t work so that she would give me a stronger one =P (*No, I’m not addicted to the syrup although it is yummy but I just want to recover faster and sleep peacefully at night*)

I went grocery shopping yesterday and damn I hate Midvalley parking system. Until now, I still think that Sunway Pyramid has the best and most systematic parking system the reason why I love shopping at Sunway Pyramid. But how I wish there’s a Cold Storage instead of Giant or Jusco. Giant looks like a warehouse to me, messy and disorganized and badly lit. The vegetables are not as fresh and the chickens seem like they have been there for days =( I would only shop at Giant only if I couldn’t find any other place to shop. Yeah, it’s never my favorite place. And I don’t like shopping at Jusco Sunway Pyramid because they are always out of trolley!! Sigh…I think I am just playing hard to please =(

Anyway, I went to Faisal’s place with Fahad last Friday and Zee who was trying to be another Smart Alec played with my pepper spray and everyone fled the house! Gosh, the pepper spray is proven to be quite lethal in a sense that we were chocked on our own cough and sneeze and our eyes were all teary! And it was just a small quick spritz =(

And we went to their neighbour’s home for a quick visit coz apparently the neighbour is moving out and has some stuffs to sell and the only thing that caught my eyes was the Persian cat, called Aroog. I WANT THE CAT!! It is on sale for RM500 and he is such a special cat because he is handicapped, only with three and a half legs. But mind you, he is just so adorable and I immediately fell in love with the cat and has been thinking about it ever since. But of course, I can only afford to think about it because having another pet other than Lola is not something optional for me right now due to many uncertain predicaments which might come in the near future. I am just not settled =(

Ok people, I am done for tonight and will write again tomorrow. My mind has been busy thinking today from deciding what to cook for lunch to whether we can only start considering each other as an item only after we pop our first fart in front of each other! Take care and good night!

I had a really rough night last night because of the cough. I was coughing the whole night, yeah baby you heard me right =__= Just in case some of you who’re staying within my neighbourhood might have heard the sound of something like a really sick barking dog, that was just me =__=

Momma asked me to hunt for honey, a very good one not the only I normally squeeze on my waffle and eat, but the one which I wouldn’t think of eating. I wonder why most healthy stuffs must be gross like bird nest =__= But for the sake of my health and my lungs and everyone around me, I will swallow them nonetheless…bleaaah!

Anyway, I saw traces of blood in my phlegm this morning and I am very concerned. Maybe I coughed so hard somehow I hurt my throat somewhere =__= Please, not something serious! Lesson learned this time: “Do not play in the rain!” (*Yeah, like I would listen to myself anyway =__=*)

It’s finally Friday and since Fahad is going to have hell a lot of exams next week, I have decided to just stay at home over the weekend and study! I bet you wonder what’s wrong with all the parties and drinking and having fun and all those stuffs? Seriously, I think I am growing old or maybe I just need a breather from all the parties and drinking =__= I partied too hard and too much for the past months and I just find that I need more quiet time from the noise and people and booze =__= But, I will be back to partying once Sureka is back! Hohohohoh. It runs in my blood, baby, it just runs in my blood, the party I mean! =P

Ok peeps, I am starving now, really really starving I am craving for some Ice Kacang (*although seriously ice Kacang isn’t the kind of food that people would eat when they are starving!*) but again I am not supposed to eat or drink anything cold especially Ice Kacang but that’s what we normally want the most, the thing that we are forbidden to have! Gahhh =__=

Ta!

From left to right: Andy, Julian, Elder and Younger….ahahaha (*inside joke *)

I remember one of my conversation with a very old friend months ago. “Hey Nick, as far as I remember, you were a very nice girl!” he said, trying to recall the memory of an old long lost friend, me. And my respond to that was, “Well, people change!” Which is absolutely true. Try to compare yourself now with yourself 10 years ago. Was there any significant change to yourself in any way at all? If there’s none, then I suggest you go find yourself a freaking cave and hide in there for the rest of your life…hohohoh. Because seriously dude, we need to change, no matter what and most of the time, we need to change to be a better person.

As for myself, I believe I have changed a lot. I have got myself a Master degree although seriously I am not a bit proud of it and I have no idea why. I have got myself in and out of relationships. I have got my heart broken so many times but I have grown stronger! And I have become a meaner person, and by saying that doesn’t mean I am a freaking criminal. I learn to be heartless and some people believe I have serious attitude problem. But frankly speaking, I am only mean to those who are mean! I show attitude to those who have attitude problem! Eye for an eye? No? That’s what the Bible say! (*Bleaahhh….this is so not me!*) Anyway, what I am trying to say here is that if you’re expecting for the sweet kind loving happy jolly Nick which you used to know 10 years ago, then let me just tell you that she is gone! Gone baby, gone!

Yeah, that’s life’s little ironies. But to think of it again, I change because people change me. I change because I find there’s a need to do so. And I change because people make me think that there’s a need to do so.

The end~

Finally, after much consideration and hesitation, I change the theme of my blog after having the same layout for a very very long time. I still don’t like the current layout and most probably gonna change it again because the current layout does not support widget…bleaah. Anyway, I will stick to the current theme for a while because I still have other stuffs to tend to other than blogging I hope you guys like the new theme though! I will try to write more whenever time permits

Ta!

Wow, it’s Thursday already and it feels like only yesterday that I actually graduated from high school (*delusional after seeing another gray hair =___=*) What I am trying to say is, “DAMN!! CAN ANYONE TELL ME HOW TO SLOW THE TIME DOWN??!” I guess I need to keep up because time definitely wait for no one, baby

I am up early today because I couldn’t sleep the whole night because of the blardy cough! Dammit cough, when would you actually go away! And last night, I was munching chocolate on my bed while reading my favorite comic Doraemon. That was a bliss And truth to be told, Doraemon is my all time favorite hero, not Iron Man About the chocolate munching on bed, I was trying to gain weight because I have lost all my weight because I was sick I don’t want to be stick thin although I am left with not much choice! I was born skinny =__=

Anyway, I had a giant pea-sized pimple on my upper lips which left an ugly scar now, and I have been putting a lot of Vitamin E Oil to get rid of the scar. How I wish my skin is as smooth as a baby bottom? (*although baby bottoms do have rashes sometimes because of diapers, right Parents? or maybe I’m wrong *) I just hate pimples!! And I am still thinking about cosmetic surgery all the time….bleaahh!

Ok, since I am up early, I am going to be productive today! So, people, it’s a nice feeling to wake up to a happy morning although frankly speaking I am keeping my fingers crossed that no one would try to ruin my day today! Hmm…I guess it’s a matter of whether I would allow anyone to ruin my day or not!

That’s it for now. You guys take care ok Ta!

Just when I thought I would end up seeing my doctor for the second time for a blood test, my fever was gone! Just like that, exactly on Monday morning, the morning which I did not look forward to because I was still feverish the day before and I was so freaking sure that I won’t get any better the day after. But seriously, thank God and thanks to the last piece of antibiotic I popped on Sunday night, my body temperature was no longer above 37.5, instead it dropped so freaking low to 35.6 degree Celcius. I was somehow concerned because I have never seen myself with such a low body temperature but heck, who cares as long as I do not have the fever anymore

To sum it up, I had fever for a week and has now recovered…hurrahh! But I still have this annoying chesty cough which has been keeping me awake every night! I probably have awaken the whole neighbourhood with my cough at night. And as I have mentioned in the earlier post, the cough syrup I am currently taking is really strong. And still I don’t see any sign that the cough would go away anytime soon….bleaahh!

Anyway, the weather is so freaking hot today that I have to switch on the aircond eventually although I try hard to listen to Momma coz she said I shouldn’t sleep with the aircond on since I am still sick, but being the stubborn me, I’d choose not to listen that much And because of the hot weather, my sore throat is back (*dammit*) and I have been drinking almost two big bottles of water which equivalent to 3 litres of water. That is more than the recommended amount we should take daily, right? Aren’t we suppose to drink only 2 litres of water everyday? Because I remember reading somewhere that drinking too much water will dilute our blood and causing it to not be able to function properly. Well, I read it somewhere not sure whether it’s true or not, but you can try to Google it

Ok people, it’s 1.30 am and I am going to turn in early tonight. Will blog again tomorrow hopefully. So, good night people!

I am beginning to resent something. It is my room. It is dirty and messy right now. And I don’t seem to be able to keep it clean and neat for even a day! I have mountain loads of laundry. I have dishes in the kitchen sink (*I love cooking*). The floor is dusty and sticky for no reason although it has been vacuumed recently and my toilet floor is dirty! I just hate my room right now. It makes me feel like checking in a hotel room and hide there for the rest of my life……if only I am Paris Hilton

I normally have a to-do list and I have just noticed that I will never fail to include house chores in the list, like doing the laundry, washing the dishes or cleaning the floor. Sometimes I wish my to-do list would only consist things like doing research, write journal articles, play monopoly and stuffs like that! Gahh…I just hate being me right now.

Now that the fever has finally gone, I have other things that occupy my mind. I just want to run away and break free!

Ta!

The cough syrup I am currently taking is probably the strongest ever! I doze off almost immediately after having a tablespoon as instructed by me doctor. And I woke up after an hour of peaceful sleep, and I felt like I was drugged. Everything was looking very blur and I lose all my energy even to answer a phone call! And the effect only wore off after four hours! Yeah, it’s that bad.

Anyway, am still very sick and still having fever and cough doesn’t seem to go away. I can only hope that I would recover by Sunday so that I don’t have to go for the blood test on Monday. I am gonna eat my medicines and eat proper meals although I can say that I totally lose my appetite to munch anything. Hence, I am losing weight and Fahad said I am like a shadow now

I am keeping my fingers crossed, hoping that I would recuperate fast and get back on my feet! Ok guys, am gonna have another table spoon of the cough syrup which means I am heading to bed now! Good night people!

With Fahad tending to the sick me <3

Hurrahh! I have just renewed my hosting and domain with Exabytes and frankly speaking, I have been their happy client for 2 years now. I own theveronicles.com for 2 years and my previous entries since 2008 have been removed due to some selfish request from some selfish individuals who have been trying hard to bury me alive to deny my ever existence in his life, and yeah I am talking about you Teddy! According to him, a boy or a girl should never be in any form of relationship before marriage, and I am pointing my middle finger to that!

Now that I have another year of owning theveronicles.com, I am thinking of changing the layout and theme of my blog. Kinda sick and tired of the current theme, but to customize everything from scratch, I am very the malas la wanna do Someone is free to do it for me? But again, I don’t trust anyone to do things for me, especially when it comes to something which I am good at And that includes doing laundry and scrubbing my toilet floor!

Looking back at all the years I have been into blogging, I realised one thing. I use my blog as a place to vent my anger and frustrations and according to psychiatrist, this is a healthy practice. So, next time you feel like ranting, just start a blog and write to your heart content

To Teddy, congratulations because seems like your curse works on me Yeah, I was cursed because I was observing my right to write whatever I want in my blog, because I was expressing my anger in my blog and because the anger that expressed was all about him. Boohoo…loser. Now Teddy seriously, you can throw a fucking party and celebrate and do that ugly dance of yours because your enemy whom you hate so much from the very bottom of your heart is now so fucking sick and bedridden. Bet you’re praying hard that I would die soon. (*Roll eyes*)

Three days of excruciating sore throat and cough and high fever, and after countless times of Momma having to bug me to go to a clinic, I finally dragged myself to one. Heard that the doctor was from a reputable hospital and after a few times of seeing her (*can’t remember her name though *), I am convinced that she is a good doctor and not a quack…hahahha. She examined me carefully and unlike some doctors who would only prescribe medicines based on the symptoms I told them, she told me to come back after two days if I’m still having fever. Seriously, my fever is like Chipsmore, now you see it now you don’t! So, the next course of action is to take blood test Hopefully it’s not something serious.

Anyway, I was prescribed with hell a lot of medicine and if I still don’t recover after after eating all the drugs, I don’t know what else would. Fahad has been really sweet to take care of me for the past few days (*well, I guess that’s what a BF should do, isn’t it. Ohh…that’s not applicable to Teddy coz as far as I remember, he would disappear whenever I’m sick!*)

Ok people, am gonna have something because all the medicines need to be taken after food…bleahh. And eating is not something that I enjoy very much when I am sick coz that’s when my taste buds become totally dysfunctional. Even Jamie Oliver’s food will not taste as good

Will blog again later. Ta!

I have been sick since I came back from Sarawak, and the fever got worse last night with body temperature 38.8 degree celcius. Didn’t bother to go to the doctor though because I thought it’s a normal fever until I woke up in the morning and felt pain at my lower abdomen. Could be some kind of infection. I could barely get up at first but I needed to drink and at the same time grabbed a bottle of Bird Nest. I am not a fan of Bird Nest because I know it is somehow bird’s saliva and to drink bird’s saliva? Yuckkiee..but to talk about the health benefit, yes my fever subsided not long after I downed the first bottle. Still feeling rather sick but at least I am feeling so much better now.

I get sick easily whenever I am upset or angry. I have decided to be “FUCK CARE” from this day onwards. I have been clinging too much to my past and lately I have been very much disturbed upon knowing that Teddy is seeing someone new. Well, not that I am not with someone now in fact I am glad I am with Fahad because seriously, I have never met anyone as sweet as this guy (*and I am not saying that because he is my BF or because I need to get laid tonight…ahhaha kidding*) but ask anyone of my friends including Smelly Sister who have met him, he is definitely the fallen angel. And Momma and Big Bro met him too during Evelyne’s party two weeks ago and I guess they are fine with him because they didn’t say anything so far

Anyway, I am just disappointed because Teddy has totally changed ever since he told me he is seeing someone. No more phone calls, no more SMS, and one thing I hate the most is the way he talked to me over the phone…LIKE AN IDIOT! I was still so nice to layan him whenever he calls or SMS me even when I was with Fahad and Fahad being the most understanding guy ever, was totally cool about that (*although I have to admit there are times he would feel uncomfortable*) but again Darling Fahad, you don’t have to worry anymore because I am done being nice to another uncool moronic idiot.

By the way, I believe in karma. I believe he will get back what he did to me. What goes around comes around, isn’t it?

I have been thinking the whole day why our relationship didn’t work out.
It’s not because he wanted to get married as what he claimed at first. (*yeah, who get married the next day. Even an arranged marriage would take months! Bloody asshole!*)
It’s not because he wanted to be alone because if he wanted to be alone he won’t be seeing anyone now. (*or perhaps he hopes to get laid after sick of visiting the cheap dirty massage parlor!*)
It’s actually because of me. (*according to him, I have serious attitude problem because I drove 3 hours down to JB every week to visit him!*)
The reason why the relationship didn’t work out is because I AM JUST TOO FABULOUS FOR HIM!! =)

From this day onwards, I will not care about my past anymore. I will not look back anymore. I will live my day to the fullest. And by the grace of God, I will be happy again

Hey, see that cheeky grin on my face?

I always try very hard not to use any form of medication to induce sleep but last night I just had to because I was beginning to grow tired and weary and I know I would do something crazy if I found that I simply couldn’t take it anymore. I had a few shots earlier and moments before I decided to hit the sack, I pop half Lexapro and one Imovane. Those happy pills, they never fail me at all and I slept well and sound the whole night and I couldn’t recall any dream at all. That was a peaceful sleep.

And the moment I opened my eyes, the first thing that came to my mind was Fahd. I miss him. He is the one person who has shown me the meaning of unconditional love. He loves me for who I am although he knows there is no guarantee that he would get all my love in return for love is such a big word for me. But yet, he is so ever ready to shower me with his love and care although I have to admit I have been quite selfish due to the fact that I have been trying to protect myself from being hurt again.

I started my day with a prayer that God will grant me peace of heart, soul and mind. That God will continue to give me strength even to live just another day. That God will never abandon me although I have abandoned Him countless of times.

I feel a little strength within me to start something new, something fresh today. Pray that I will go through today in peace.

Consumed with frustrations and anger, I have never felt like this before. All I have on my mind is death. I am giving up on hoping that I’ll ever see clouds with silver lining. I am losing hope that my life will get better. The way I see it right now, life is getting worse day by day. I am seriously losing hope. Darkness consumes me, and prayers are all I ever needed right now although I am so close to falling into the trap of giving up on everything!

How can I ever love others when I cannot even begin to love myself?
How can I ever forgive others when I don’t even know how to forgive myself?

Oh life, how much I hate thee.
Oh life, how much I want to end thee.
Oh life, how much you have cursed me!

God, give me strength to live another day, just one more day!

Lexapro.Imovane.JimBeam.Chivas.Vodka

I am full of anger.
I am full of hatred.
I just want you out of my life.
I just want you out of my sight.
I just want you to stop haunting me.
I just want you dead.

You despicable lowlife creature, just leave me alone.

“You’re a very very strong girl, do you know that?” This is what an old friend said to me few days back during our get together in Kuching for the RWMF. And as always I don’t see myself as one, and it didn’t tick me to ask him what makes him think so since he hardly sees me. And in fact, he wasn’t the first to say that. But after all the tragedies and unfortunate events that befell me all these while, I think I am nothing but pieces of ruins. I am fragile and vulnerable and I am close enough to giving up on mending myself although people say “Time heals”. It has been so long and it still hurts.

Nightmares are my companies at night and too often I would wake up in the middle of the night from the bad dreams, and even until today I hope everything that had happened to me is nothing but dreams. But too long have I waited to wake up from the unpeaceful slumber.

I need strength from above. And I need prayers from all of you. I have no more strength left within me. Pray for me.

Just one stupid phone call is enough to break me down. That stupid phone call. How I wish I didn’t press the Answer button. How I wish I press the Ignore button instead. How I wish I didn’t even say Hello. How I wish I didn’t even have to hear that cursed voice ever again! How I wish.

Just please don’t call me ever again.
Just please leave me alone!
Just please let me mend myself.
Just let me be me.

You’re nothing but dead to me!