I am abusive, yes I am. Not to others but to myself. Oh, not another pity-party you must be saying. Yeah, I love self-pity. It makes me, ME! I don’t give a shit what you wanna say. I am weak, yes I am. Too long I have pretended that I am this one strong woman who can handle all the bullshits people thrown at me. I didn’t evade. I let them throw ‘em at me. What else can you do to me? I am still standing tall, am I not? I am still breathing fine. Is that the best you can do? I am tired of pretending I am happy, but deep inside I am still the same old me, emotionally scarred and very bitter. Yes, I am very bitter, I have always been bitter, and will always be bitter. I no longer want to be saved. Save yourself please from my misery. You don’t give a fuck? I don’t give a fuck that you don’t give a fuck. I was happy for a week and I realised it was just another stupid manic episode. Damn you, bipolar. You wreck my life like I am a fucking Titanic. I am no Titanic! I will not sink. I knew that the happy girl for the past one week wasn’t me. I am glad I am back, the dark and twisted me is back. I love it better this way. So what if I slit my wrist and bleed. So what if I smoke myself to death? So what if I down that bottle of liquor and intoxicate myself? So what? In the end it’s not you, it’s me. If I were you, I wouldn’t care.

A pet is so much more than an animal, even for a pet hamster as small as Kendall. It breaks my heart to find out that she is now gone. I realised she was so weak for the past few days, no longer running on the wheels, no more fighting with Kimberly (*yes, they are named after the Kardashians although Kendall is not exactly the Kardashians*) Kendall was such a sweetheart, although she is so much smaller than Kimberly. She’d wake me up in the middle of the night whenever Kimberly climbed on her back (*I don’t know exactly what were they doing, but I guess Kimberly loves to cuddle =P*) I am very sad. I know their lifespan isn’t long but I never expect Kendall would leave us so soon. I am sad, yes I am crying, and yes I know you must be thinking that it’s stupid and ridiculous to cry for an animal so small. She’s not just an animal, she was part of my life.

REST IN PEACE, KENDALL.

I may have disappeared for now from Facebook and this blog, but I still do microblogging on Twitter. So, follow me on @theveronicles for crazy and self-loathing updates from me. Like you care, right? =_=

I have deactivated my Facebook account and I am not going to blog for a while although I have not been blogging much so far. I have lot on my mind and Facebook and blog have been my favorite dumping area to dump all of them out, but not anymore. I think it’s better this way. 2012 has barely started and my life sucks already. It’s in the head they say, it’s all about how I see it whether I see it as glass half empty or glass half full. I am very much glass half empty nowadays, oh wait, I have always been glass half empty.

Ok folks, I hope to be back very soon. Take care.

Regards,
TheVeronicles 

I am writing this while brushing my teeth. Go figure =_= Ok forget it, my hand can only do one thing at a time. Be right back!

(*30 minutes later*) That includes washing hair and shaving my legs (*don’t understand why should I shave when I am not with anyone anyway and I can let the hair grows and turn into a monkey instead but I guess I am just trying to be vain*) =_=

So, how’s your new year so far? It’s only fifth day of new year and I can tell you my new year is SUPER AWESOME!!! Not! Like crap like that I tell you. New Year or no New Year it’s just the same! In fact I don’t see any reason why this new year will be any different from any other year. I am so bound to be heartbroken and neurotic as usual. Look at the bright side they say, but what’s there to look at when seriously there’s not even a speck to look at!! Oh yeah, the hormone is raging right now because I am obviously PMS-ing!!

I was sick yesterday, started on Tuesday evening actually. Had fever and the moment fever’s gone, I started vomiting and having loose bowel!! THE WHOLE NIGHT!! I wanted to go to SDMC at 3 am but yeah I am a scaredy cat I don’t dare to step out of the house at such hour (*going home after parties at 4 am is exceptional coz by the time I get home I look scarier than a ghost with all the  messed up makeup and messy hair!!, not to mention I definitely smell like an freaking ashtray!*) And yesterday I got jabbed in the ass (*coz that’s the only part of me with the most fat =_=, and if the Doc were to jab my arm it would pierce right through my arm!!*) Actually she suggested IV drip but I chickened out looking at the needle and the thought of having that needle in my vein for a few hours??! Not my thing okie!

And now you must be thinking that I am scared of needles but actually no. Ask me why? Because I am going to get a new tattoo soon!! Hopefully this weekend, yay!! I really need to do something like this to tell myself that everything’s gonna be ok. You must be thinking that it is something so stupid to do since there are so many other things I can do to tell myself that everything’s gonna be ok, like tell myself that everything’s gonna be ok?? Ok, nevermind. I am stupid anyway. Happy now? Pfftt…!

So it’s a brand new year and I bet you have a long list of new year resolution and I bet you have abandoned the list on the second day of the new year!! Hahahha suck on you!! But as for me, I didn’t abandoned my new year resolution because I don’t even have one! Hahaha suck on me!! Ok this is getting stupid. I bet I can write like this the whole day but I have work to do. So I shall stop here.

Anyway, Happy New Year everyone! I hope your year will not be as sucky as mine!! Chiao!!

Tomorrow will be the last day of 2011 and frankly speaking I am feeling super anxious and scared. Yes, scared is the word. I don’t know what is waiting for me in 2012. Would it be the end of the world? If it’s gonna be the end of the world, then it’s good because I don’t have to live in this bullshit world anymore. If it’s the end of the world, then it’s gonna be super great because I just can’t wait for everything to end. But deep in my heart, I didn’t want it to end either knowing that I have so many things that I have not achieved in life, things i have not done, places I have not seen. I want things to end but also I don’t want things to end just yet. How indecisive I can be?

Looking back at 2011, I am feeling so overwhelmed. It has been another cursed year, a year full of so many downs than ups. But most of all, my year is ending really badly. My December was full of bad lucks, one after another. It almost feels like I am cursed. It almost feels like I am destined not to be happy. The minute I am happy, bad things await me. This month alone is enough to wear me down. From breaking up with my boyfriend, to having my wallet stolen on Christmas eve. Not to mention having my car hit after a wonderful party with my Sisters. And family drama and work everything just adds up to everything. I am totally burned out. Staring at the pills that are supposed to keep me sane, I know very soon I will take them all because I don’t know the difference between sanity and insanity anymore. I am trapped in my own stupid world, trying to run away but I can’t.

Alcohol is my only escape. I have been drinking on daily basis and yes, you can call me a drunkard I don’t give a fuck.  If that makes you happy then by all means call me whatever you want but one thing for sure, nothing you say can ever hurt me ever again. Because why? Because I am all numb. I don’t feel a thing. But funny how I don’t feel a damn thing but tears simply roll down my cheek for no reason. I am a wreck, a total wreck. No amount of drug can save me, no religion can save me, says Bruno Mars. The only person who can save me is me. But it’s difficult when I no longer want to be saved. I kinda like this dark world of mine. I no longer believe in a happy life. I am good at faking my smiles now. I am good at faking my laugh. But deep inside I am hurt, I am broken and I don’t even know who I am anymore. Nothing new, please tell us something new, you must be saying. Yeah, I am the same old me, neurotic, emotionally unstable and sometimes crazy. That’s how people perceive me as. I don’t care. Little that you know, I am just another girl who wants to be happy like anyone else, who’s craving to live a normal life like everybody else. But I guess my path is just different from yours.

There are times when I want to tell myself not to believe in God, but that’s a sin. If God loves me, why does He allow me to go through so many difficult times? Because He knows I am strong enough to go through them all? I just don’t understand, or maybe I simply refuse to understand. I don’t know who to turn to anymore, although I know at the end of the day I would turn to Him.

I am lost, I am depressed, I am sick of feeling like this, living a life like this. Death seems like the best option, but if I take my own life and then what? I can’t be that selfish, can I? But I wish you can walk in my shoes and know how I feel. You think you understand but you don’t. You think you know what I am going through but you don’t have a clue.

Goodbye.

You thought you had a great day just because you had a good laugh and awesome time. You thought the day would get better and things would turn out to be just perfect. But without warning, something creeps back and gives you a gentle nudge, gentle but strong enough to wake you up to a sudden realization that you are only lying to yourself. That laugh? The smiles? “They weren’t real”, you hear yourself saying. You’re just faking it. And in a split second, you know that it has come to pay yet another unwelcome visit, the dreadful curse of depression. It brings you down to the darkest pit, trying to convince you everytime that life isn’t worth living.

I just stood under the hot shower, thinking, wondering, just allowing my thoughts to wander to wherever they want to go. I just stood there, hoping that the water would also wash away all the thoughts, the pain, the hurt, the grieves, just wash them away. But no, they are still around. I wanted to cry, but I couldn’t. I cried enough all these years there’s no more tears left. What’s left of me? What do you see in me? I look at myself in the crooked mirror and I see scars from the past. I look at every scar and they tell different stories. Different stories but they hurt me just the same.

It’s funny how depression would turn my world upside down so fast. And no matter how many pills I swallowed, it’s funny that it would still creep back and make me feel so fucking miserable. I don’t deny sometimes I do feel like swallowing all of them, just to put an end to it. You don’t have the slightest clue on how sick and tired we are of all these nonsense. Yes, we. Because I know I am not alone. There are many more like me.

You want to run away, but you can’t. You’re hoping that someone would come to your rescue and save you, but they can’t. You try with all your might to battle it through, and you survived with only a few scars from the blade, and that’s good enough for you to tell yourself that, “Yeah, I have won yet again!”

It’s a never ending battle. It’s a lifelong war, between you and yourself. It’s either you keep holding on or you’ll fall apart and die.

And I don’t wanna die, not yet.

12.12.11 marks the day when we officially call it off. It was a mutual understanding and we both know sooner or later this relationship of ours has to come to an end. Better now than later while we are both still sane =_= It feels like I have broken my own heart and although the pain isn’t as bad as all the previous break ups I had, it is still painful, in fact it is harder because I love that guy so much and because he wants the best for me he let me go with an open heart! But we gotta do what we have to do. This is the first peaceful break up I ever had. All the previous break ups left me all traumatized and hurt really badly. I guess as we age we also have grown more mature in our thinking and we think with our head now instead of with our heart. If I wanna follow my heart, I wanna stay in the relationship although it is crystal clear that it is not going anywhere.

It’s funny how I will always have most of my relationships ended in December. That’s why I have a love-hate relationship with December. I am not looking forward to Christmas. I dread it actually. In fact I wish I could just use the long weekend holiday to just run somewhere to clear my mind. Just hop on the plane and go to an unfamiliar land and stay there for a while. I don’t remember when was the last time I truly live my life. When’s the last time you truly live your life?

The End-

p/s: Truth is, I am really heartbroken.

It has been a while since I actually write anything here. I am too busy to even spend some time writing something. It’s not that I don’t have anything to rant or rave about, I have lots of them, my head is literally full right now but I guess I can keep them for a while until I have the time to actually let them all out. I am just excited about my new hair the reason why I decided to write something quickly today =P Finally I got rid of my superlong, dry and damaged hair! It is a lot shorter now (*Momma said it’s still long though*) and I have changed to a darker color, Ash Brown. Before this I thought of going lighter but I think darker hair color suits me better. And I got rid of four inches of hair and got it layered. The hair stylist is damn good with his scissors, snip snip snip and I look so much better than before! I should have taken the before and after photo but I didn’t =_= But I can tell you how I look like before the haircut. I look like a distressed pontianak =P And after the haircut, I look like the younger version of me! I was over the moon! =)

So here’s a picture of me with my new hair!

Just don’t ask how much was it to get this new hair cut, coz my pocket bled for a while especially that I have super long hair =_= But seriously, A Cut Above is going to be my favorite hair salon from now on! Good service and satisfaction guaranteed =D Next project is to get my hair permed. I didn’t do it on the same day because I don’t want to damage my hair like what I did before. Even the stylist told me that it’s really smart to wait for at least two weeks to one month before doing another chemical treatment to the hair. The color will stay even and the perm will be more even as well. Greatness! I am going to usher the New Year with AWESOMENESS =D

“I’m the girl who is lost in space, the girl who is disappearing always, forever fading away and receding farther and farther into the background. Just like the Cheshire cat, someday I will suddenly leave, but the artificial warmth of my smile, that phony, clownish curve, the kind you see on miserably sad people and villains in Disney movies, will remain behind as an ironic remnant. I am the girl you see in the photograph from some party someplace or some picnic in the park, the one who is in fact soon to be gone. When you look at the picture again, I want to assure you, I will no longer be there. I will be erased from history, like a traitor in the Soviet Union. Because with every day that goes by, I feel myself becoming more and more invisible…”
― Elizabeth Wurtzel, Prozac Nation

Right now I don’t know how to feel anymore. Damn, bipolar sucks! Sometimes I feel like quitting, putting an end to it. Everyday I try to juggle between being normal and being bipolar. I am living in fear, always wondering when’s the next time the next episode would strike. And when it strikes, I still try to juggle between living a normal life and my stupid bipolar life. I just need to be alone right now, or perhaps I need to be alone all the time. I have a lot of pressure around people. I cannot handle pressure, they’ll kill me. I just want to be with myself. 

Friday, 18th November 2011 8.30 am – Same old shit different day.

I fall sick again, and I woke up with high fever this morning. And right now my body temperature is 38.9 degree and I told myself I will go to the doc if it hits 39.2 degree to get a jab in the butt (*coz my arm is too skinny to be jabbed =_=*) I am shivering cold but my body is burning hot. Oh well, just another fever although it is not very often I get fever this high. Was working on one part of the code the whole day and came out with one of the most complicated query ever and it worked! Super happiness =)

I plan to go for a comprehensive medical checkup next month. Need to check my liver again especially since I am on Valdoxan which will affect the liver. And I have been having really bad period pain, never had so much pain like that before except for the past few months. Read online and found out that the pain could be because of some growth in the uterus known as fibroid uterine. So, I guess it’s time for another pap smear…bleaah.

I am still thinking whether to sleep or to continue working although I would most probably sleep and wake up super early to work like what I always do. Weekend is coming and I will bring Momma around KL for some shopping again. She is here with Big Stomach Sister, waiting for the baby to come out =) Still waiting although when I look at her belly, it’s super big!! I can’t imagine myself being pregnant =_=

Ok people, will blog again later. Have lots of picture of Dad’s belated birthday about two weeks ago to Mom’s birthday two days ago. Good night!

This is currently my favorite song. I would sing this song for Boyfie because I really like the part where it says, “I have loved you a thousand years, and I will love you a thousand more.” And I think this is another perfect song for my first dance (*that is if I ever get married next time*) This is our song (*jiwang mode…bleahh!*)

Yes, you can lie to others, but you can never lie to yourself. You can act as if you are one fucking innocent person but deep inside you know you are nothing but a disgusting cheater. You can make up stories and coat them with sugar to cover yourself only to show the world that you are in the right. You can say whatever you want to others because your ego is telling you that who are they to judge so they have no choice but to believe you. But without you knowing it, someone is watching you very closely, and someone knows that you are nothing but a dirty liar.

I just don’t understand why would you deny your past when you know your past is what has shaped you to be who you are today. I just don’t understand how could you have the heart to blame the innocent when deep down in your heart you know once upon a time you stabbed a knife through his back and betrayed his trust (*oh, I forgot that you’re actually heartless*). The knife isn’t there anymore, because I took it out and mend the wound. The scars are there to remind him that you are indeed nothing but the most disgusting person ever to walk this earth. And while you are living in that dream world of yours pretending that you have the most perfect life, he is now living a life larger than life. You cheated on him, and that was indeed the best thing ever happened to him.

You spread lies about him. You tell the world it was his fault. Oh, you didn’t tell the world, you tell yourself and your imaginary friends because the world knows what kind of person you are. You loosely describe people as wannabes who knows nothing of their root when your own father was picked of the garbage bin or perhaps in the sewage near your house right now. Who knows? Nobody knows so that makes you don’t know your root either. And while you are busy talking shit about others, you forget to look at yourself in the mirror. Or perhaps you did look at yourself in the mirror but you’re simply living in denials. Denying the fact and the truth that you are nothing but a fake lowlife bitch.

You can write a long ass story full of lies but at the end of the day, deep in your heart they are nothing but pure lies.

Perhaps you could go back to school to learn maths because you don’t seem to know how to do simple math, or maybe you can make use of that calculator you have been talking so much about?
Perhaps you should think logically before calling people of misusing your documents (*and your dirty name*) when you were willingly giving the consent to use them.
Perhaps you should stop being so dumb because no business will be that stupid to accept a business transaction if it wasn’t legit (*they are not as dumb as you*)
Perhaps you should go hide in a cave right now because you are a total disgrace.

You pride yourself with that law degree of yours, but you can’t even face the truth. Yeah, shame on you.

A mother is our first touch of tenderness,
Our first breath of warmth, and our first discovery of devotion.
A mother is someone who can find sunshine in every cloudy day.
She knows the best songs to sing,
the greatest game to play,
And all the stories children like.
A mother is someone who knows how to put love
between a little child and a big world.
Her touch can mend our hearts, give us strength, and warm our heart.
A mother is someone who helps without being asked,
understand without questioning,
and gives without expecting anything in return.
But above all, a mother is someone who loves without end.

A mother’s love and guidance go far beyond childhood…
She’s a silent partner in whatever we try to achieve,
whatever we want to become.
Her love is quiet, constant companion in our walk through life.
For being the wonderful Mother you are,
A loving thank you, Momma,
with best wishes for your happiness on your birthday and always!

I know you are going to boo me for writing yet another depressive post. Yes, I don’t know when I’ll ever stop writing shitty post like this one, maybe one day when I have managed to get rid of my bipolar disorder, although most likely I have to live with it for the rest of my life. I am feeling down, so fucking down. I hate myself. I hate this feeling. I cannot control it. There is nothing I can do other than swallowing the pills to numb the feeling. But sooner or later, it would come and haunt me again and I would be here again writing another crappy post like this one.

No one will ever understand how I feel. Many people would think I am so lame for being so emo like that. I don’t want to be like this. I have never asked to be like this. You have no idea how I feel everytime I have another shitty episode. I feel like a total wreck. I have only one thing on my mind, which is to die. But I will not die, because  I know I am really strong to go through all this. I know I can battle through it.

I don’t care what other people wanna say. You can call me sick, because I am sick. You can call me crazy, you can call me whatever you want. I don’t care.

But what hurts the most is to know that the person whom you thought you can rely on, whom you thought you can have the shoulder to cry on, is finally turning his back against you and walk away. It hurts. I can almost feel my heart is breaking into pieces.

I have just found out that anorexia is the medical term for loss of appetite. Does it mean that I am anorexic? I thought anorexic refers to those skinny girls (*yeah I know I am skinny*) that don’t want to eat because of their fear of gaining weight. Contrary to those girls, I am not afraid of gaining weight so I am not anorexic. I don’t vomit after food and I am definitely not bulimic either. But it is so frustrating that I don’t have appetite to eat AT ALL! It’s zero. None. Null (*yeah, add a bit of programming stuff here =P*) I wake up early, skip my breakfast, skip my lunch, skip my tea break (*follow government office la =P*), and I’ll only have my dinner at 10 pm. I know it sounds sick because it is sick! How can one survive on a meal a day? (*Of course I should consider myself blessed that I even have a meal a day and I wish I could give my food to the starving kids in Somalia, like really from the bottom of my heart..*) 

But talking about eating once a day, I just don’t know what to do with myself. I try to force myself to eat. It’s either I will eat a bit or the food will stare at me hoping that I will eat it (*sometimes I can hear a tiny voice from the food screaming “EAT ME WOMAN, EAT ME NOW!! PLEASE EAT ME..PLLLEAAAAASEEEEE!!”.….=P*) Sorry I let my imagination run wild for a while =D

I am officially the skinny Veronica again. I feel skinny, I can’t see my butt anymore =_= I can play music with my ribs. And if anyone asked me, “You’re so skinny, are you sick?” I am so gonna answer, “Yes, I am sick. I am sick of this life, I am sick of everything. I am sick so very sick I just wanna die, don’t you get it???!!” Sorry, just being a drama queen for a moment there =P

Sigh, why am I not taking this lose of appetite thingy seriously. Should I blame it on my bipolar disorder? Should I blame it on the depression? Should I blame it on stress? Should I blame it on me being a picky eater? No, I am not a picky eater as long as the food is nice, clean and presented nicely (*sounds picky or not?*) 

Okie peeps, I am going to eat now and it’s 11 pm =_=

Ta!

It has been raining everyday now and very soon some part of Malaysia will be affected by flood. I hope the flood won’t be bad although the news said it’s gonna be worse than last year because of the abnormal rainfall like super heavy like that. I was caught in the rain after I came back from church yesterday and was stuck in the traffic jam for another 45 minutes although it’d normally take only 15 minutes to drive home =_= And upon reaching home I was starving because I didn’t eat the whole day (*what’s up with me and my one meal a day diet =_=!*) And last night, I had a row with Boyfie and decided to sleep early, sigh. But all is well now..teehee =D

And woke up at 6.30 am to start my day early. I couldn’t take my mind of the code that doesn’t seem to do what I want it to do. The more I change the messier it becomes. Like sial like that =_= I scribbled so much to get a clearer idea on how the flow of the code should be, even drew a freaking flowchart and wrote some pseudo-code, in the end I just stared at the pieces of papers and then I felt like my brain stopped working (*burned fuse!*) =_= Anyway, gonna continue working on the code and keeping my fingers crossed that the code will work fine today. Just wanna get it done so that I can move on with something else, like another set of code…bleahh!

Oh by the way, Vienna Boys Choir is in Malaysia. And I am gonna be there! Yippie =) [*I hope they are gonna sing some Christmas songs, and if they do, I am so gonna cry because it's gonna be so angelic!*]

Okie Peeps! Time to get back to work, so happy working! (*and three more days for my parents to come…wooott!!!*)

Raised as a Catholic, Halloween has never been a celebration for me other than a mere excuse to wear scary costumes and get drunk. I don’t celebrate Halloween, and have never bother to think about it. Everytime Halloween is approaching, I’ll be reminded of the All Saints Day and All Souls Day. Two important days, although the common thing between these celebrations with Halloween is remembering the dead.

It was All Saints Day yesterday and All Souls Day today (*Click here to read more about All Souls Day*) Today is the day for us to pray for the poor souls, the faithful departed. Since yesterday, I have this weird feeling like there’s something nudging me in my heart to offer prayers today for the poor souls.  And I think I will not ignore the feeling and will attend mass at St Francis Xavier Church later. I have no idea which soul is nudging me. Since I woke up this morning, I have been trying to recall any of my deceased relatives or family members. I can’t recall anyone close to me. I still have grandparents from both mother and father. I am really clueless. The feeling is making me feel really uneasy and I feel chilled to the bone (*yeah I am a scaredy-cat! =_=*)

Anyway, for Catholics out there, don’t forget to offer prayers today for the poor souls in purgatory. One day when it is our turn to leave this world, let’s hope our loved ones will pray for our poor souls.

‎”We have loved our dear departed in this life, and in death we shall not forget them.” – St. Ambrose

*May the souls of the faithful departed rest in peace*

Someone left me a message to give me a friendly reminder about what I wrote in my blog. “People will shun away from you! Nobody wanna be with an unwell person.” There is only one thing, and just one thing I wanna say to that. “If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you definitely don’t deserve me at my best!”

If you don’t like what you read on my blog, you can do a very simple thing as leave.
If you don’t like what you see on my blog, please do leave as well.
If you don’t like what you read on my Facebook wall, there’s a thing called Unfriend. Unfriend me and you’ll never have to be miserable reading my whiny posts ever again. Seriously, I won’t feel a thing.

Maybe I should include a Disclaimer in this blog like what I did for my old blog. Anyway, do read it here README 

I rather write what’s real than to write something imaginary (*like someone I know =_=*). I rather  people to know that the real me isn’t perfect. I rather not sprinkle my words with sugar when the truth isn’t sweet but bitter. I rather you judge me for who I am although you shouldn’t judge or you’ll be judged. And I want people to realise that everything they read here only represents bits and pieces of my life and that doesn’t mean they can come to my face and tell me, “I know you well!”

Anyway, let’s put crankiness aside. It’s November and Christmas is just around the corner…hurrahh!! Christmas is a family celebration for me, so it is very important. But this year we won’t be having any grand celebration like what we did last year. I know some people don’t think that Christmas is a big deal yada yada yada because Jesus wasn’t born on Christmas day yada yada yada. But for us Catholics, yes Jesus was born on Christmas Day whether you like it or not…pffttt (*I remember how this particular tard tried to brainwash me and tell me that there is no such thing called Christmas and that Pope is evil…!!*) Well, begone with that tard, gone forever for good!

Okie People, it’s a feel good Tuesday =) Although my stupid sickness came to visit last night leaving me all depressed and teary, there is no reason not to be happy today! So, have a good day everyone ^^

I am not feeling so well today. I feel weak and my hands are trembling. My hands and feet are cold. I have not eaten the whole day. I roast chicken for dinner but it’s still in the oven. My appetite is zero and I really don’t want to eat. No, I am not anorexic or bulimic. I am not afraid of gaining weight. In fact I am dying to gain weight. I am losing all the weight I have gained before. I don’t see my asses anymore =_= (*although Boyfie said they are still there…boohoo!*) I can count my ribs simply by looking in the mirror. I feel thin.

I have stopped Zyprexa and I knew I will lose my appetite because it’s the medicine that increased my appetite and made me eat like a cookie monster. I am currently on Valdoxan only although I am also prescribed another medicine for my biploar disorder but I refuse to take it because one of the possible side effect is loss of memory. I don’t want to lose my memory. I am too young to lose my memory. I believe there is something more powerful than all those medicines and yes it is God. He is all powerful and almighty. If He brings me to it, He will bring me through it.

I was well for the past two months, until tonight. Depression is creeping back and I feel so down. I don’t like the feeling. I don’t want it to come. I hate bipolar disorder. Your moods are like roller coaster. You feel happy for a while, and a minute later you’ll feel totally like crap. You’ll wonder where are all the tears come from rolling down your cheeks. You’ll wonder what is your heart crying for. You’ll wonder what is it that is bothering you. You cannot find the reason behind the crying. You have no idea why are you feeling so sad. The feeling is so bad you feel like the world is coming to an end. You feel like the world is gonna fall apart (*or it’s more like your world is falling apart*) You feel hopeless, you feel like giving up. Giving up on what, you aren’t sure. But in spite of all the horrible feelings you’re having, you try to tell yourself that you’ll be doing just fine. You’ll be alright.

Yes, I will be just fine. Nevermind the crying, nevermind the tears, they will come to pass. Just another stupid episode that I have to go through.

My emotion is rising and falling. And I cannot stop the change.