CAN YOU SPELL ANGER?

I am fuming angry and I am outraged by the fact that someone decided to be super selfish. Seriously, I don’t need another asshole to make me sad. I don’t need another lowlife creature to make me cry and seriously, I don’t need another scumbag to make me feel like shit! I have enough of people putting me on the sideline because they are too afraid of what others might think or say about them. Yeah, I am done being treated like I am a nobody because I know I deserve so much better than that!!

TARA Season 4 (The Amazing Race Asia)

I am giving up on searching for the potential partner to race with me in The Amazing Race Asia Season 4. I have a few potentials who are interested, but the problem is, it’s either they are not eligible because they are my Iranian friends or they are tied up with work or some other commitments…..so sad

I would have dragged Smelly Sister along but, I know her T____T Probably we would get kicked out in the first leg of the race…bleaahhh. The reason? She would spend hours in the shower and she probably wouldn’t want to get her hands dirty on scooping the camel poops in Dubai or something (*well, not like I know what are the challenges gonna be, but it should be something like that *).

Other friends, either they are too committed to their jobs or they are family men or women. Left one single/jobless girl and that’s me!! Not like I don’t have work to do (*yeah right!*), but hey this is going to be a once in a lifetime thingy okie!! Oh oh…maybe I could drag one of my ex-students!! Hmmm…probably not….

Anyway, Momma is totally against my idea of trying my luck to compete in the race. I have a very very “supportive” mother! Supportive in a sense that she would tell me something like this, “I am so sure you’d lose in the first round!” Bleaahh….talking about judging a book from its cover!! Just because I am small, doesn’t mean I have no chance to win. This race is not all about being physically fit, but you have to be mentally smart as well. What’s the point if you’re as fit as a horse but your brain is the size of a fish brain (*well, I have no idea how big is a fish brain, I ate fish head before but I couldn’t recall whether they even have brains *) The reason why I would prefer to have someone’s who is strong both physically and mentally, and as for me, I have high stamina I may not look like it, but I am always full of energy especially when it comes to having FUN!! Amazing Race is all about fun, is it not?? Teeehheee

But, actually the main reason why Momma is strongly against my intention to join the race is because she is worried I might fall sick or get injured. Protective parents I have…bleaahhh! I am 28 years old, Ma….and I got my heart broken countless of times!! So a little scratch or two on my knees won’t kill me!!

Anyway, there’s gonna be an audition for the race this weekend, 13^th March 2010 at Sunway Pyramid. So, anyone feel like becoming my partner, please please contact me ASAP!! We need to get the audition video done by March 22^nd L Seems like I won’t be joining after all….sigh!!

Where are all the fun people!!!

ME AGAINST THE WORLD!

Found myself downing shots of Jim Beam with 43% alcohol content. I tried Grants with 50% alcohol content and I passed out and that was years ago! I am upset again, feeling all time low and damn, I just hate the feeling. I should seriously just move on, but now I find myself lingering with the ghost of my past! It’s either I am too coward to step forward or I just don’t want to lose the memory too soon. I could still feel his presence. I thought I am over with the grieving process, but I guess I was just denying the fact that I am still holding really strong to my past.

Oh Nick, get a grip on yourself now, and move on already!

I hate life, yeah I just hate this life.

The harder I try to climb to the top, the harder I fall. I fall so often I barely feel the pain no more, I feel numbed! What’s that feeling? I don’t even know because I just don’t know what to feel anymore.

I am sorry that you decided to bury me alive. I am sorry that you try so hard to overshadow my existence in your life.

It’s already March and I can’t wait for 2011!! I can’t wait for this shitty year to end. Thanks to you, yes, thanks but no thanks!! And seriously, I’ll never trade anything in the world for a second chance with you. I had enough and enough is enough because I shed enough tears for you.

Anyway, someone asked me one really dumb question, “Why don’t you quickly find a new BF?”

The answer is simple. Because I don’t want to. Why should I jump into another relationship and make myself miserable? How sure am I that the new guy is not another asshole? How fucking sure am I that the new guy won’t hurt me? And how damn sure am I that the new guy won’t break me down? Nah, I won’t take the chances. Even someone whom I thought was the nicest guy I have ever met could actually break and cause so much damage to me!! The past three months were total nightmares!! And I am not willing to go through the nightmares again.

Perhaps people change, or perhaps I was deceived!

I need my space now…..!! Bye.

I BRUISE EASILY

Update: At first, this post was Password Protected, but then again..FUCK LA!!!

I can’t help but to notice that I have been super sensitive lately. Most probably my period is coming…bleahhh, but it’s a good thing because it makes me feel woman! But I just dislike the mood swing because it makes me feel like chewing up every single soul that tries to piss me off. And I’d become super sensitive, touch me and I’d cry — that kind of sensitive!

Talking about being sensitive, two of my male friends thought I have been super sensitive over an incident which happened on my birthday. Ok, so here’s the story:

It’s my birthday, and because I was the birthday girl, I deserved the right to be happy on that day. But this particular woman wasn’t pleased because she didn’t get the attention that she thought she should be getting, so she started to behave erratically and pulled long faces and ultimately she’s the joy-killer. Even when I tried so hard to be nice to her, she still acted like a super bitch and somehow tried to show me that she was off a higher class than me when the fact is she’s nothing but a speck in my eyes!! But because I am naturally a nice person (*okie…I know you want me to pass the barf bag!*), I played nice all along, and because I didn’t wanna ruin the whole vacation and because Teddy told me to keep my cool, so I swallowed everything in spite of all the bad behaviour and attitude problem she showed us. And the most irony thing is, I was the birthday girl and I still don’t see the reason why the fuck I should be making her happy!! And the best part of all, I don’t even know who the fuck is she!!!! Just because another friend needed a companion, so I bet he just pulled someone off the roadside to join us!!

And right from the beginning, I didn’t like her. Why? No, she not prettier than me, in fact she is nowhere near pretty if you know what I mean!

It started during the first 5 minutes (*or less*) after Teddy introduced me to that woman.

Teddy: “Hi Woman, meet Veronica.”

I wanted to shake her hand and introduce myself again in case she’s deaf or something, but she didn’t bother to shake my hand! In fact, I don’t even know her fucking name because she didn’t introduce herself to me!! WTF!!

Instead, she asked Teddy, “Is she Malay or Chinese?” (*She’s from Uzbekistan, so her English is like shit…well, in this case, only apply to her!*)

Fuck Woman!! Is that even a proper question to be asked when I barely know you for 5 minutes? And the best part, she didn’t even ask me, but she asked Teddy instead! From that moment on, I know this woman is up to no good, or at least she is not of a good character herself. Since then, I don’t bother talking to her anymore.

And horror of all horror, she’s so fake!! The way she speaks, acts, smiles, behaves, laughs OMG!! I can tell immediately that she is a ….jeng jeng jeng….moment of truth, the ugly truth………..

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…………..A FUCKING WHORE!!!! Yeah, I can even tell that within the first 5 minutes I saw her, from her behaviour, attitude, actions, everything!!!! HELLO, I WAS NOT BORN YESTERDAY OKIE!!!!

Maybe you think I judged too easily, but I know one when I see one. TRUST ME ON THIS!! If you see her yourself, you’d agree with me! And I wish I would have recorded how she sounded like!!! It’s not too hard to tell, and when she was in MY CAR…YEAH MY CAR, she didn’t behave herself. Imagine having a total stranger in your car who behaved in such a slutty way, kissing, smooching, and the most annoying part — the fakeness of her voice and laugh!! OMG — and Teddy and I have to endure that for the whole 7 hours drive to Cameron Highland?? As I said, I didn’t want to ruin the journey so I basically swallowed everything.  And my friend, just like a little boy who’s lured with a lollipop, just played along with her. Sigh, I felt sorry for him for losing his integrity so easily over a cheap thrill like that!! And seriously, they could have shag at the back of my car if they want! That’s how slutty and disrespectful that woman was! If I had a flamethrower, I would have burn them there and then!! Gosh, I am still so freaking angry!

And I was really upset with my friend for being such a cuckoo!! He has basically gone stupid because of this woman! He expects us to listen to that woman. We even have to find a McDonald’s just because she is so high class she claimed she doesn’t eat any other food but McDonald’s or any other Fast Food Restaurants!! AND DON’T FORGET, IT WAS MY FREAKING BIRTHDAY!!!

And I was really angry with Teddy for making me promised him to keep my cool, to swallow everything. I was so upset I cried so hard on the eve of my birthday I ended up with a real puffy faces the next morning AND IT WAS MY BIRTHDAY!!! If not because of Teddy, I would have killed that Woman there and then and feed her to dogs!!

Ohh, did I tell you that she’s from Uzbekistan? She thought she’s a Russian! She doesn’t look like a Russian, in fact you could have mistaken her for a local girl! You don’t say you’re an American if you’re holding a Malaysian passport, of course unless you’re white (*that’s obvious*). That’s like telling another person you’re a dog when clearly you’re a cat! Talking about having identity crisis…! I bet she was thinking perhaps it’s more glamour0us to claim herself as a Russian than an Uzbekistanian.

Picture this:

Woman: Hi, My name is Bitch and I am from Russia.

Of course you’d be impressed because meeting a Russian girl is such a thrill just like meeting Anna Kournikova liddat no matter how ugly that woman could be.

Woman: Hi, My name is Bitch and I am from Uzbekistan.

Hmmm..not so glamourous!! I don’t even know where the fuck is that country!!

Anyway, she was born in 1981, and I still could remember the last question she asked me, “How old are you?” I said I am 28. And because I was born in 1982, clearly I am younger than her. And you know what, she still try so hard to tell me she is not so much older than me and said she’s only 4 months older than I am. So what?? Older means older! Even if it’s a day older! And seriously I don’t believe she is 28 because her face is so full of wrinkles. Her laugh lines are so deep, deep wrinkles everywhere I doubt there’d be any amount of botox available which could fix her face!! Yet, my friend still think she’s so fucking pretty!! (*Sigh, it’s so sad to see how low a man would  stoop for someone real cheap like her!*) And I don’t understand why we would even want to talk about age because I would rather engage in a more meaningful and mentally challenging conversation! Obviously she was trying to compare herself with me. You are nowhere near me la, Bitch!

Actually, there are more reasons why I totally hate this woman! I am just lazy to write more. It’s enough to let half of it out…for now!

Just don’t ever let me see this woman ever again!

p/s: Teddy, I am still very upset with you over this!!

TRYING TO FIT IN (STILL…)

It’s 5.30 am and I am still wide awake. Thanks but no thanks to the flu, I am having difficulty sleeping because of the pain in my chest due to excessive coughing…bleaahh. And I don’t know why but I simply couldn’t resist myself from partying last night, partly because friends missed my birthday last week because I spent it with an anonymous person whom I have prayed so hard would show up on my birthday. Hey, my prayers were answered alright! And since then, I have not been praying for 7 days now! Talking about taking God for granted Ok, I’m guilty I know. I guess it’s time to get back to strengthening my relationship with my Creator rather than chasing after the worldly relationship which is so full of uncertainty but heartaches!! At least He will never break my heart, and you definitely gotta say AMEN to that!!

I was trying to empty the SMS Inbox of my disfunctional phone (*poor phone, it was a victim of my tantrum!!*) In my attempt to delete thousands of SMS which dated back to a year ago, I have to admit that I am such a loser because I would delete every other messages but HIS!! Yeah, I would keep his messages be it good or bad, even if the SMS contains only a silly smiley –> . I know right, I am a total loser! Have I moved on seriously? Only God knows. But I know, not a day passed by without me thinking of him, not a day passed by without me wishing that things could have been different and not a day passed by without me hoping for a miracle to happen! But, touch my heart and ask myself, honestly speaking, I don’t want to go through the heartache all over again. I don’t want to go through what I have been through for the past 3 months. I had enough and I frankly speaking, I am happy that we are still friends, best of friends. And I intend to keep it that way till the day I would not be able to see the sunrise ever again!

Elder sister is getting married and Momma said she wants me to be the bridesmaid which I humbly accept as long as she let me choose the dress! Seriously, I don’t mind being a bridesmaid for the rest of my life just like Katherine Heigl in the movie 27 dresses because I simply cannot see myself being a bride. And, I don’t want to be a bride. I just don’t see why should I succumb myself to a lifetime of heartaches and pain of being married to a guy?? Momma said I need someone to look after me, but I am just fine being on my own!

Till death do us part. Yeah right!!!!

STOP NUDGING ME!!

Just when I thought I should be blogging about how wonderful and magical my birthday weekend was, I am once again had another episode of nervous breakdown, and depression nudge me once again and here I am feeling all time low all over again. It’s not the loneliness that is killing me, it’s not the thought of having that special someone to love or to be loved that is drowning me gradually, it is the feeling of having hypocrites around me, pretending that they care when the fact is they only care about themselves and what others think about them. Yeah, when was the last time someone truly care about me, about how I feel? Seriously, I don’t need all those and I am just fine standing on my own feet!!

I guess it’s gonna be another night of wine party with myself to drown all the sorrow!

I’M AN OWL

World turns upside down for me now. As if I am living in New York City where time difference is 8 hours, I decided to stay awake when everyone’s asleep and I’d sleep when everyone’s awake! Crazy not? No…that’s simply stupid and I know I am suffering from this stupid disease called I-Dont-Know-Why-But-I-Think-I’m-An-Owl! I have no exact reason why I wanna turn nocturnal again but somehow I know this too will pass soon, just another stupid phase in my life where I decided to turn into a rebellious bitch doing whatever things which Momma clearly says “DON’T DO!”

Momma says, “Don’t sleep too late!”
I say, “Gahh…I’ll sleep at 8, not 8 pm but 8 am….hahahahhaha (*laughing with glee although clearly there is nothing funny about that*)

Momma says, “Don’t drink alcohol!”
I say, “I’m gonna have drinking marathon with myself…bleaahh!”

Momma says, “Eat breakfast!”
I say, “Yeah, I do eat breakfast everyday. I eat breakfast at 2 pm!”

Momma says, “Don’t drive fast!!”
I say, “I’m a Schumacher, I’m a Schumacher, Schumacher the small girl version!!”

Momma says, “Don’t you ever get a tattoo!”
I say, “Bishop Hii said I can get a tattoo, there’s nothing wrong with that…hohohohoh”

Back to tattoo, I really feel like getting myself another one! Tempted but I guess not so soon since I might hit the beach soon! Bikini and sandy white beach — me like!!! I miss going to the beach! I know Sunway Lagoon is like 5 minutes away from my place, but that is a fake beach! And I want fish to tickle my belly while I swim And what does going to the beach gotta do with tattoo? Because I’m not supposed to swim for at least 3 weeks after I got myself tattooed. Sucks, but hey it’s worth it okie

Ok la, I have a long list of things to do today. So I guess I’ll blog again later. Tata!

THE ATTEMPT PART III

I just cannot bear the thought of staying home on a Saturday night, so I decided to meet a friend for a jug or two of beer, and man, it was good. I am turning into an alcoholic bitch and seriously there is nothing to be proud about that. But again I know this is another phase in my life where I know it will be over very soon, how soon, no one knows, neither do I. But I know it will be over soon. But as for now, my life is dependant on alcohol and guess what, horror of all horror, I am back on cigarrette! FUCKED! I know, don’t have to tell me.

But looking at the bright side, I am eating well now. I am no longer skipping meals and rice is my staple food again instead of junk food and happy pillS!! Hahahaah! Fucking happy okie! And I am gaining weight now although it shows on my face first! (*Dammit!!*) But eventually it is gonna show on the rest of my body…hohohoho! I bet you know that I am underweight by 10 kg and it is such a pain in the arse to gain even 1 kg!! Hate high metabolism thingy!

I have been slowing down on the party and stuff and I have been staying at home most of the time. I should be off to Singapore to party this weekend with friends and also on the invitation of friends in Singapore for Chinese New Year celebration but decided to skip it due to some reason! Super shitty coz I bought a few super hot party dresses coz it supposed to be a weekend of club hopping around Boat Quay and Clarke Quay!!

It’s a Sunday and I need to sleep soon since I should to be visiting the confessional tomorrow and attending the Sunday mass. Damn, I am such a sinner. So good night people!!

p/s: Somehow I miss the dance floor!!

SO CLOSE

I wrote a very lengthy post and P1 Wimax was down and I didn’t managed to save whatever I wrote, even the autosave function didn’t help me save my work! So now I am angry and I don’t want to write anymore! So, I’ll just leave you with this favorite song of mine. I want this song the be played for my first dance with my husband in the future

So take care peeps. Will write again tonight when I feel like it

YOU INTOXICATE ME!

I believe I knocked myself out when I realised I was somehow sleeping on the floor. This is one thing I noticed about downing pure Chivas — I’d get knocked out super fast – hmmm me like But I could still feel the pain. The pain. Yeah, that pain inside of me. I am sober now, but I wonder why I am tempted to down a few more shots because really, I just hate to be sober. It is just too painful to bear. I feel pain in my knee, must have knocked myself somewhere, and am not sure where. Not the first time I wake up and realised I am bruised on my knees.

I am upset, really upset. Although I know there is nothing to be upset about, but again I am fuck stupid, that’s why I am upset. I am offended and upset. I am angry and upset. I am offended because someone decided to draw a fucking thick line with me! Oh man, I hate you! And I am upset because I have been once again misunderstood, like always.

Recalling back what was said to me today which I rather labeled as false accusation or total misunderstanding:
(Note: This is for that someone who made me upset today!)

#1: You think I lie about spending the weekend with my friends.
I dont think I have to have hard evidence to prove to you that I indeed had a concrete plan to spend the weekend with my friends. And just because I decided that you’re a more important friend that the rest that I decided to abandon the plan and disappoint them amidst the fact that the party wouldn’t be fun without me (*teehhee..I know I am shameless like that *), you simply throw the blame back at me by saying things like, “It’s your own fault, your own decision, I didn’t ask you to do it!” This is no different from telling a pregnant girl that it’s not your fault that she let you fuck her and make her pregnant so you could just walk out of her life guilt free. Seriously, one thing you failed to see here is how I have been putting you in front of everything else, like always!! No, save the thank you. I don’t need that AT ALL!!!

#2: You think I was upset with you spending time with your friends.
Just one thing I can say to you, “YOU ARE WRONG!” In fact, I am happy that you finally decided to move your ass  out of the wretched place and be with your friends at the beach and get super drunk but please don’t drown yourself because I know you can’t swim! Now, the reason why I was upset is because you are contradicting yourself. It’s like you’re having a split personality. You’d say you’re busy with work that you would make it sounds as if you’re even busier than the President of the United States at one point, and the next thing I know you’re actually playing tickle with your friends! And I don’t have to explain further why I was upset. Just one thing I want you to know, “I was upset and disappointed with you!” Go figure why!

#3: You think I am rude for hanging up on you!
I think you have done this even more than I do, and yet I don’t say a word? Don’t do to others what you don’t want others to do to you. If you think it would hurt if someone slap you across your face, then it would definitely hurt if you slap someone across their face!! Today alone, my phone has been flying across the room twice, and it’s just a matter of time before I should call the time of death for my phone! All your fault, well my fault for throwing tantrum, but your fault for making me upset!

Seriously, I think I am gonna continue drinking.

THE ATTEMPT PART II

Here I am again, trying yet another attempt to do some stupid things just because someone decided to hurt me again. Being hurt is one story, being hurt over and over again is another. I am at the verge of hurting myself again, and I know that shiny razor blade is tempting me to run it through my skin, to reveal the flesh that I barely have and to devour the bitter sweet taste of my blood.

It’s barely 9 pm and here I am with a bottle of chivas and a shot glass and a glass of plain water and yeah it’s going to be pure Chivas! I am extremely upset and every breath I take, I can feel my heart is breaking even more, pieces by pieces. I can feel the pain again, and this heart is bleeding again, harder than before.

Oh I hate you! I hate you for treating me like this. I hate you for taking me for granted over and over again. I hate you for trying to make me look like a fool! I hate your sense of ungratefulness. I hate you for you are so blind to see how important you are to me. I hate you for your arrogance and ego. I hate your guts!! And most of all, I hate you for hurting me again.

Suicide. How difficult could it be?

THE ATTEMPT

In my attempt to type this post in the state of drunkardness, yeah I dont even know whether I spelt that right or not but who cares or if there is even such a word, but just kindly take note that this post is going to be the stupidest post ever because I am typing with my eyes half opened and blurred with tears and my mind’s not working porperly. So pardon the silliness and my ultimate stupidity. And I know some major grammar mistakes here and there but hey who cares!!! This is going to be the pure rant that is screaming to be let out from this puny brain of mine! And I am writing this trying to distract my mind from doing yet another stupid thing to hurt myself. It doesnt hurt if I wanna do it now, but it would hurt like shit in the morning!! Just don’t label me as crazy, I am just depressed. If you dont know the difference between crazy and depressed, I suggest you go FUCK YOURSELF!!

I swear (*although I seriously not supposed to be swearing*) that I have tried many attempts to kill myself!!! But surprisingly I am still alive ahahahahaha I am crazy not?? No I am not. I am just troubled and disturbed. People just make me super sick. My ex-BF broke my heart because he was too coward to cross the culture and religion boundaries, and yeah I hate his guts!! Boooo I hate you man!! I have been in many relationships since I was 14 years old, and this is the first time I fall so hard!! Man, I hate my guts too! Why did I fall for this silly boy? Must be his charming smiles and his smiley eyes!! I hate those eyes. They are just so cute I want to nom nom nom the eyes!

At this point of my life, I just dont feel like doing anything but to end my life. OH MY GOD! Where art thou? Seems like life is so freaking difficult to live might as well just end it. But again, I gotta live for my Momma and Dad. They are the ones who kept me alive until now!! OMG why do I even want to waste my freaking life for one lowlife guy? OMG why do I want to even say that? He is not lowlife!! He is just stupid! OMG — pardon me for whatever thing I said but you should just nod if you do agree with me. Silly boy doesnt know how to treat a good girl right. I am not saying I am a good girl, but I am not bad either, I am just that girl whom I think deserve someone who would love her with all his heart, soul and mind, and not just back off because he was too coward!! Man, I really hate your guts!

I am having shots and I swear if I have a few more shots, I will sleep in the toilet tonight!! And I would be grumbling to myself cleaning the toilet! Eww I know but hey life is good! I love barfing! It makes me sound like a freaking duck! HAHAHAHAHA!

I hate being in a relationship. It seems like I keep meeting the wrong guy. Just when I thought I was meeting the right guy, he decided to run away with another woman only months before tying the knot. And seriously, the best part is, the woman is married!! FUCK LA!! I bet the woman dumped him already, and I am laughing with glee because really, I gave him chance to decide whether it’s me or that fugly woman, and he decided to choose that woman. I was not heartbroken, in fact I thank God for showing me the real him!! Imagine if he would do the same thing after we tied the knot! DIVORCEE — not very glam okie! But, hey who cares. I am not living in the stoneage or iceage or whatever freaking age where Ipad has never existed (* actually I dont fucking know what the fuck is an Ipad only I see it often on Yahoo News! but again, like I care! but I know it has nothing to do with sanitary pad!!*)

Another shot, and hell yeah I am typing so good!! I went for computer class when I was freaking young and small okie. But again I hate studying computer science, I wish I was a chemist so that I can make some stupid bomb or whatever thing that can explode so that I can throw something at all my ex-BFs whenever I break up with them! HAHAHAHAHA! So mean like that but actually I am a pure angel. Hahahaha! That’s only the outfit you silly. I was actually a devil in an angel costume although I know Halloween is still months away and April Fool is not even near and my birthday is coming OH MY GOSH I am getting old, it’s time to get botox!! And nose job, yeah I am freaking serious about that nose job. And boob job?? Hahahah and blow job too!!! Hahahaha just kidding. Don’t think I am so loose like that okie, I give you one tight slap across your face then you know!

I think I should stop before I vomit on my keyboard because I think I am gonna barf soon. If you are flying on a plane next time help me collect all the barf bags okie!! Very useful lehh!! Tata!!

OPEN LETTER TO MYSELF

Dear Nick,

It pains me to see you so down in the dump with that glum face everyday. Even if someone could make you smile, it could never last long before you would return to that sulky mood again. It’s as if your face is frozen to be so glum! What happened Nick! Where’s that cheery-happy-go-lucky-bubbly Nick that I used to know? Where is the Nick that would laugh at almost everything even at the most stupidest joke ever?  Where are you Nick?

It has been almost 3 months now since that stupid boy walked out of your life, or was it you who walked out of his life?? Ohh, both of you walked out of each other’s life! (*I know you have an ego bigger than your head!! And he has an ego bigger than his balls!! Ohh..he doesnt have one…cheeyy!!*) It has been almost 3 months now, and you are still not over that silly boy? (*Silly boy silly boy, he had a good girl but he didn’t know how to treat her!!*) Click that link to listen to that song! It’s like the coolest song of the day! Yeah, he’s the silly boy, so why are you so sad over him? Get over him already! It’s not like he is Prince William or Gerard Butler! You definitely deserve better, Woman!

What’s the point of you downing all the liqour you could grab your hands on only to make yourself dead drunk? You think you can forget and heal faster that way? Okie, if your answer is yes, I don’t mind becoming your sponsor for whatever liqour you like for as long as it takes for you to forget and heal. IF you think alcohol could help you to forget. But I’ll not help you with the hang-over. SERVE YOU RIGHT!!! And I’ll not clean the toilet no more!! Remember that morning you slipped on your own vomit?? So eewww okie!!! SERVE YOU RIGHT!!!

What’s the point of trying to numb your feeling with the antidepressant and tranquilizers?? It’s not like they are as good as ectasy? HAHAHAHAH, just joking girl. How long you want to be dependant on the happy pills? Remember that night you did a very stupid thing ? I SWEAR IF YOU TRY TO PULL THAT STUNT AGAIN, I’LL KILL YOU MYSELF WITH MY TWO HANDS! And legs too!! It’s good you have 999 on your speed dial. YOU STUPID GIRL!!

What’s the point of trying to bleed yourself? You think you have enough blood that you even want to try cutting your wrist open? Forget it la you anemic freak!! I suggest you eat more liver before you even think about cutting your own vein with that blunt razor blade which belongs to him. You should seriously sterile the razor first you know!

Seriously Woman, you should just get over this silly boy! He is not worth it, he is not worth to cry for! GET OVER IT ALREADY, WOMAN!!

p/s: Woman, let’s get another tattoo and a few more piercings!!!

Yours sincerely,
Me…

LIFE AFTER YOU

No matter how I tell myself things are gonna be ok, no matter how hard I try to pacify myself that it is all God’s will, no matter how hard I tell myself that I’ll get through these, things just get harder each day.

I wish things were different.
I wish I didn’t have to survive all these!

WOULD YOU?

If I asked for your help, would you help me?
If I asked you to help to me get on my feet again, would you help me?
If I asked you to help to lift my spirit up, would you help me?
If I asked for your simple prayer, would you help me?
If I asked you to help me to put that smile back on my face, would you help me?

I am crying for help, any help at all I could get. Because I cannot help myself anymore!

THIS SHOULDN’T BE HAPPENING

I wonder why I am so badly affected by the recent breakup. I have been stagnant for more than 2 months, seeing time pass by and yet do nothing. I am at the point of my life where I seriously don’t care anymore. Why do I care so much when in the end all I get is frustrations and heartache? Why do I want to be bothered so much when in the end all I get is broken heart and shattered dreams?

I should not be blogging about all these emo stuffs, but being who I am, I just need  a place to rant and ramble and vent my anger an frustrations. Too long I have been confined of my freedom of speech. People say, “When you’re in Rome, do as the Romans do.” Meaning, when you are in another city, you should not be so stuck in your own culture and tradition that you have to also drag others to embrace your culture, in spite of her best effort to pick up some of them just to blend and to make you happy!!!

If you asked me now, how frustrated am I with my life? I am 101% frustrated with my life. I have to admit I always vision myself cutting my wrist open and let myself bleed to death. What difference does it make anyway? I am as good as dead now! I am living for the sake of living, because killing myself would get myself a one way ticket to hell!! This is yet another cursed year!! And it is only February! What is God’s plan for me, seriously I would love to know. Because everything seems to have gone haywire and my life is in a serious mess! Why is it in a mess? Because someone has decided to be selfish and think for himself! Because someone has decided that it is too much to cross the culture and religion border. Because someone decided that I am a nobody but just another passer by!

The truth is, if there is one thing that I truly regret ever in my life, it is to ever know your people! Because my life has been nothing but a total mess since the day I said “Hi” to one of you! And to you, I wish you have never been so selfish!

Favorite photo of the day:

A rather disturbing to photo to picture how disturbed my life is right now!!

LEAVE US ALONE

To you who sent me thousands of prank calls!!
To you who cowardly sent me the SMSes anonymously!!
To you who sent me those hate mails!!
To you who sent me all the hatred and lies!!
To you who sent me the death threat ONCE!!
To you who did all the nasty things to me and him!!
To all of you: sokoufehh, Amiri Mohmmadi, Sarah Irani!!

LEAVE US ALONE!!!
We had enough misery and heartaches of our own!
We don’t need you to add salt to the wound!
JUST FUCKING LEAVE US ALONE!!!!

GOD, WHY?

Why are You giving me so much pain? Why me?

I KNOW THIS IS ABSURD

…but I want an angel like this on my grave to watch over me!

These wounds won’t seem to heal, this pain is just too real

I’m so tired of being here, suppressed by all my childish fears
And if you have to leave, I wish that you would just leave
Your presence still lingers here and it won’t leave me alone

These wounds won’t seem to heal, this pain is just too real
There’s just too much that time cannot erase

When you cried, I’d wipe away all of your tears
When you’d scream, I’d fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have all of me

You used to captivate me by your resonating light
Now, I’m bound by the life you left behind
Your face it haunts my once pleasant dreams
Your voice it chased away all the sanity in me

These wounds won’t seem to heal, this pain is just too real
There’s just too much that time cannot erase

When you cried, I’d wipe away all of your tears
When you’d scream, I’d fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have all of me

I’ve tried so hard to tell myself that you’re gone
But though you’re still with me, I’ve been alone all along

When you cried, I’d wipe away all of your tears
When you’d scream, I’d fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have all of me, me, me